My, oh my. How many times have I heard that?
Those words often are more a pleading or simple statement versus a real question.
But … it is a good question … that reflects a universal hope that it should be possible.
Oh, sure there are answers to the question. Lots of reasons why people cannot get along.
Go ahead and make a list. It’s a long list, but I say forget it.
In the end the question is not a question, but a statement of fact: People are different. Differences will clash. People cannot get along all the time.
End of story. Unless … what if we reframe that question? Let’s ask it a different way.
“How do I get along with people I disagree with?”
That’s the trick. The constant challenge.
And tell me, be honest … aren’t we all surrounded by people we disagree with? (Thank you social media.)
We do have to live together. That’s a fact.
We can dodge and weave and hide or scatter to different parts of the world. But if we end up near other people, we are back where we started.
So … how do you get along with people?
You can walk away before fighting begins. Well, that’s not always so easy … and it doesn’t solve the problem.
There are a lot of experts offering advice. Even social media, which spreads hate and anger, is full of positives.
In fact, it likely was Facebook where I came across author Don Miguel Ruiz and his book, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.”
Yeah, it’s another self-help book. This one promoting conduct rooted in the culture the ancient Toltecs who flourished in Mexico before the Aztecs.
I like his “Four Agreements,” though. They make sense to me.
Let me summarize.
First: “Be impeccable with your word.”
Conflicts between people tend to start when they open their mouths. So … Ruiz says speak with integrity. Say what you mean but avoid speaking against yourself or to gossip about others.
I would add that what you say and how you say it is always measured. Assume what you say will cause reaction. So care about that reaction.
Plus … remember that what you don’t say can speak volumes also.
Second: “Don’t take anything personally.”
What others do and say is not because of you. Rather it is a projection of their own reality. If someone is angry at you, they are dealing more with their own issues.
Third: “Don’t make assumptions.”
Assumptions are not truth or facts. So have the courage to ask questions and say what you really want. Seek the facts. Don’t let communication lead to misunderstanding.
Fourth: “Always do your best.”
This varies by day and time, by mood and health. Whatever the circumstances, just do your best. This helps you avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
These four choices are important. And they are choices.
And I would add a fifth: “Learn to listen.”
Too often we hear what people are saying, but not what they mean. (Thanks again social media.)
So the challenge is to understand what people are saying before you condemn or judge it. Or endorse it.
Hear what they say and reply: “So what you are saying is …?”
This also would also help us not make assumptions.
You might discover others don’t always know what they mean. Or that they could be misunderstood. They are expressing emotions. Feelings.
So … we can’t all agree all the time.
But perhaps we can all get along, as we so often wish.
By that I mean live together. Work together. Play together.
But first I think we need to agree … that we don’t have to agree.
LONNY CAIN, of Ottawa, is the retired managing editor of The Times. Email to lonnyjcain@gmail.com or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.
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