When Moms Don’t Get Along With Their Parents | Moms.com - Moms

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Unfortunately, not every mom has a great set of parents. Whether you're just not getting along with your parents or your parents are toxic, it can feel lonely. Because getting along with parents is the "norm" in our society, when you don't get along with them, you can feel like there's something wrong with you - rather than with your parents. If you don't get along with your parents, you're not alone. There are many moms out there who are in the same flood. Here are some things you can do to build a community and have great experiences as a mother, even if your own parents weren't involved.

Seek Out Therapy

This may seem cheesy, and you might not yet be comfortable with the idea, but taking care of yourself when you don't have a great relationship with your own parents will help you to be a better parent. Birthdays and holidays can be difficult to navigate - especially if your partner's parents are all-in or you're scrolling through your social media and see lots of photos of happy families gathering together. Working on yourself with a therapist will help you come to terms with the place your parents should-but don't-occupy in your life.

Focus On The Good

Perhaps you might not be able to discuss certain topics with your parents, but there are things you can do with your parents.

Dr. Samantha Rodman writes, "While you may never be able to confide in your mom about your relationship issues, she may be someone who truly loves you in her way and is very proud of you. Your father may not be involved in the day-to-day of your life, but he may be good at giving you financial advice."

Focus on the things your parents do get right.

friends hanging out at a bar — Credit: Unsplash/Elevate

Create A Family of Friends

You may not have been born into the family you wanted, but you can definitely create the family you want. Seek out friendships with those of all ages. Spend holidays with friends and create special traditions with your friends. Family does not have to mean blood relatives.

If The Relationship Is Toxic, Consider Cutting Contact

There are some times where not getting along with a parent is more than just distressing, it's downright toxic. If your parent is controlling, dismissive, or downright abusive toward you, it may be the healthiest choice to cut contact - at least for a while until you're strong enough to handle contact without it derailing you. According to Peg Streep, there are eight types of toxic patterns in mother-daughter relationships, and this can lead to your own emotional harm. Harriet Brown points out that up to ten percent of mothers are estranged from at least one child. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do in a situation is to remove yourself from the situation.

locks and chains in a bundle — Credit: Unsplash/Jude al Safadi

Give Yourself Permission To Parent Differently

You do not have to parent the way your parents did. In fact, doing so can break the legacy of trauma. Instead, be the parent you wish you had. If your parents were not forgiving, forgive. If your parents were absent, be present. If your parents were extremely critical, be supportive. Just because you do not get along with your parents does not mean that the same thing will happen when your own children are grown.

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Sources: Talkspace, Psychology Today, Washington Post

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About The Author

Ronda Bowen (37 Articles Published)

Ronda Bowen has been writing and editing professionally since 2008. She is mom to four children and leads a multi-level Girl Scouts troop. She also is the owner of the blogs Just a Secular Homeschooler, Activism My Way, and Wining Wife. In her spare time, she enjoys reading and playing board games. Her favorite thing to do with her kids outside of camping is conducting science experiments.